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Piñata Fairy Tale: Satire of Evansville Common Council

This satire exists to mock the hubris of comparing the hardship of high utility bills to sitting on ass listening to people demand change.

In Spring 2022, Councilman Ron Beane said that the Evansville Common Council is "not a piñata." Indeed, it is not. While I don't know if they are full of candy, I do know that their defensiveness in response to pointed public comment about high utility bills indicates at least one guilty conscience in existence amongst the Common Councilors.

And what is a fairy tale without a fairy and villains? "Piñata Fairy Tale" has all of that, including an Energy Company that buys corpses--even a half-corpse.

Here is my public comment at the Evansville Common Council from March 28, 2022:

Since you Common Councilors don't respond well to non-fiction accounts of hardship, ALLOW me to tell you a fairy tale.

Once upon a time, a lonely Piñata cried out into the cold night, “Why? Oh, why did they evict me? Now I can't rent anywhere! So ice-cold.”

“Who needs ice?” inquired the Yellow Fairy from nearby.

“Not everything's about drugs,” the Piñata sighed—hoping that today could be rock-bottom, so this torture of homelessness would soon end.

Seconds turned into days. The Piñata couldn't go on outdoors without sustenance. He began to sell his body to pay for a motel room and more. Gram by gram, point by point. The Piñata thought he maintained his integrity by pulling lumps of coal out of his bellybutton, until the coal was gone.

The Piñata cashed in his diamond teeth. He “donated” his turquoise back panels and consulted with the Yellow Fairy many times over his months of nitrous oxide abuse at the motel.

Near the end, the Piñata's left star-sapphire eye turned into NOS. “NOS!!!” he squealed, all jacked up on a Monday night, crying from one eye and bleeding silicone grease from the other. One starry eye remained.

Natural gas remained, too, pumping in the Piñata's steel pipelines through his rusty cast iron heart. His rare-earth mineral brain shuddered at the thought of selling himself again. Half-blind, he refused the Elf's requests. “Oh, come on. Just let off a little 'steam.' The Energy Company will pay you handsomely.”

“It's not steam, you ignorant vampire. It's my heat, my energy, MY PRECIOUS!” moaned the Piñata. He needed NOS soon or would get sick. “Fine, take a little bit, but not too much.” The Elf sucked natural gas from the Piñata's pipeline, happy to get a taste of the action. Then the Piñata got higher than high due to low gas pressure. He slumped back into a bejeweled chair. “I said not too much...”

The Yellow Fairy played with her NOS canister and passed it to the Elf. They laughed as the Piñata expired, then the Elf fell to the floor from the spiked NOS. That last huff was killer. She plugged them up and sold the corpse-and-a-half to the Energy Company for scrap and experimentation.

Rest in power, Piñata, since you are the power now.

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